here goes

i’m making what i think is a valiant effort to not let the crazy show through. because i am a little (ok a lot) twisted up inside because of what happened a long, long time ago and although i laugh everything off a lot, i still hurt sometimes.

in a nutshell, my mom left when i was little, and i’ve had self-esteem problems ever since. and i have this problem where i cling so hard to people because i’m afraid of losing them, that they eventually need space and leave anyway. and i’ve done this to him before, and that’s where i’m having a problem now.

i’m trying. i’m trying so hard not to let my anxieties ruin the happiest part of my life. i’m just naturally a high-strung person, i guess.

i try not to dwell on it when he doesn’t call. i know he has more of a social life than i do. but then this nasty little voice creeps up and makes me get nervous about it. but then i find something to occupy myself, but then when i’m done i just dwell on it again. “he’s in love with his phone, but he can’t text?” all the time. and i don’t bring it up because….

that’s my other problem. i’m scared of bringing up any kind of conflict between us, because i’m absolutely petrified that he might get mad, or even go away again.

and one of the reasons is that, since we’ve been together, he said something to that effect because of this… thing that happened a few months ago.

see, he has this psychotic ex that created a fake myspace page (and while we’re on that, who the fuck uses myspace?) with my phone number, so i got a bunch of creepy phone calls. i told him about it, and here’s where the problem comes up. all my female friends understood exactly where i was coming from, the guys didn’t. i guess it’s a gender thing. i wanted him to get mad on my behalf, say something mean about her, tell her to fuck off… something. but he only asked “would you rather not be with me as a result?”

like… i don’t know. like it was easy for him to just push me aside if i was gonna beecome a problem again.

and i hate feeling like this, but i don’t even know what to do, or say. and i don’t want to be this lame, clingy girlfriend he rolls his eyes at everytime i call.

i’m trying to do better, i just want to make him happy, so i guess the status quo is fine, but… i don’t want to tell him how to make me happy. i want him to figure it out himself because he cares.

(and every girl in the room said “get real!” when i said that aloud in the breakroom).

i guess that’s just the difference between boys and girls. i just wish i knew how to man the fuck up sometimes.

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