And miles to go before I sleep…and miles to go before I sleep

I’ve had the most miserable weekend ever. I’m sick, and I’m just all around sad. I’m mostly upset with myself, because… Gah. I am trying so, so hard not to fall to pieces because I miss him so much. And I don’t think he knows how truly hard I’m trying, because honestly… Sometimes it feels like I care more than he does. I’m trying, really honestly trying, to be cool, to let things flow naturally, but it’s just sort of tearing at me. I fear that it doesn’t feel new to him anymore, that someone else caught his eye, that he’s seeing how truly messed up I can be and that he just doesn’t want to do it anymore. All these fears, and more that I can’t begin to convey in words. I get hurt, angry, furious even, when he doesn’t contact me at all. Yesterday was the first day since that first kiss that he hadn’t texted me at least once every day, and it hurt. I felt awful, as if I just wasn’t worth the effort. Am I really that unimportant? That forgettable? And the reasonable person inside says “no! Of course he loves you! He’s just busy, you twit.” but all the sanity and rationale doesn’t keep me from getting hurt. And I don’t even know how to bring it up, because I’m so scared of him throwing his hands up like he has before and saying “welp, too crazy. Peace.” I know things are different now, but that doesn’t keep me from worrying about it. Then the sane ramona butts in and says “god damn it! What the FUCK does he have to do to prove things are different now?” but I just keep going in circles. I guess I thought being more than a friend would mean… More than being ignored when I call. I just wish there was less space and more time. I know being together more would help things, I really do. I just don’t know which would be more feasible to him… Me moving, or him? Because to keep this, to have us… I’ll forsake everything I have. Just to know he’s mine. 

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